I’m probably one of the most privileged/lucky people around.
I have never subjected to physical abuse. Nor have I ever struggled from depression/anxiety/anorexia etc. My parents have always been there for me, loving, respectful of my choices and supportive. I’ve grown up in a middle class home in a beautiful part of the country and I have never gone without. My family is secure and I’m close to my sisters and extended family. Nathan is one of the sweetest, loving, caring person I have ever had the pleasure to meet, and not once has he ever shown me disrespect. I thank the Earth every day that I stumbled across him.
My ex emotionally abused me for nearly a year, it crushed my self esteem. It made me paranoid and he basically made me detest myself. I somehow I got it into my head that I was to try my hardest to please him and that my suffering. the tears and anguish were all because it was my fault. I literally blamed myself for every little fight we had, and I desperately tried to make it up to him no matter what. When we had a discussion about our sexual past and I told him I’d had a few intimate partners (only one being sex) he told me that he was disgusted in me, that I revolted him and that he couldn’t even be in the same room as me. Even though he told me he’d had sex with 22 people (which later turned out to be a lie?!) and he made me leave. I cried for ages and I begged for HIS forgiveness. Call me weak if you want, but I genuinely thought it was my fault, that I was disgusting. I didn’t think he’d done anything wrong.
I could go on for ages about all the shitty things that ever happened, all the shit he put me through; lying that he cheated on me, then going on to accuse me of cheating. But it would take too fucking long. I was just getting into feminism them and I don’t know why I didn’t see the signs until it was too late. I try not to look back but I feel better talking about it, I never told anyone the things he put me through because I wanted to protect him, I didn’t want my friends/family not to like him.
I’m so thankful that I have the friends that I do, they helped me get back on my feet, helped me realise what was happening and basically saved me from drowning. I’m a much stronger person now.
I still find it weird when Nathan doesn’t shout at me or call me names or belittle me, or judge me on my past etc. It actually bemused me at first when he did nice things because I was so ingrained in the thought that my past relationship was how it was supposed to be. I’ve learnt better now.
I’ve never been more happy than what I am with Nathan. He’s helped me more than he knows, and I don’t think he understands how much I appreciate what a lovely person he is.